• JessicaRHaggy

Grief and Growth

Updated: Sep 27, 2020

Grief is a journey. Overcoming abuse and trauma is a journey. You can do all the work and there will still be moments that waves of grief will wash over you so fast, so deep you swear you’ll drown. But you won’t. Let yourself feel it and just hold on - it will pass and you will move forward but only if you allow yourself to embrace it, feel it, process and release it. Yesterday I found my knees buckling under me as I took a sharp gasping inhale and tears filled my eyes as a painful memory a little over two years old slid through my psyche. I jumped up out of my chair at work, logged out and left (I credit God’s mercy for this happening at only 10 minutes till the day‘s end) and wept the entire way home. Now I am not a person who often desires physical affection because of the unspeakable things in my past but yesterday I would’ve given 10 years off of my life to have been held by safe arms to help me manage the level of sorrow coursing through my body to the point I was dizzy and nauseous. But unfortunately I’m not at the place in my healing to call anyone to ask for that - I’m not sure I even know how to ask for it. Except from Him, from my Jesus. So I found myself a place in the floor of my room and let Him hold me, at that point tears were gone and just pain and whispered questions remained. He listened, He loved, He held and He cared for me. I believe He wept for me in that moment where trauma numbed my ability to cry anymore. I believe when my lips were to raw to murmur another word that He prayed for me to the Father, to our Father. And I believe there was no disappointment in His heart that I had fallen apart in such an intense way. In fact I believe Jesus was proud that I allowed myself to grieve so that , Lord willing and in time, I will be able to fully heal. I don’t believe growth comes without grief. We can’t grow past what we won’t walk through. It is not possible. I’m telling you that as someone who does the therapy, who reads the books, who prays and seeks and believes. I have not lost my faith, in fact it’s in this season of grieving and growing that I’ve found it deeper and fuller than ever before. In letting myself be human - to break, to weep, to wonder- I’ve finally let Him be Lord of my life. I know I cannot do this on my own. I’m not strong enough, my heart is not so frozen that it doesn’t ache, my wounds are not so old and deep that they don’t cause me to cry out in unfathomable agony - even now, even after all these years. I need Jesus. I need Him in His fullness, I need His Lordship over my life - my whole life - past, present and future. I need Him if I’m to move forward from the monsters behind me that mercilessly attempted to degrade and destroy my life. I need Him to teach me how to be loved without fear of the rug being pulled out or a hand violently slinging itself across my face the moment I make a mistake. He has to teach me about safe and sound. He has to teach me to trust and to be open. Make no mistake I am trying , with every ounce of my being I am trying, to do and be all of those things but the truth is without Him I never can. The past was to harsh, to dark, to violent. But with Him I can & WILL because His finished work has made the future so bright. So beautiful, so full of hope and love. Therefore I will continue to lay in His arms and be cradled by His voice and by His word as I grieve the past and grow into the glorious future I know He has for me - and for you too. Take this message as a sign that you are allowed to cry, to scream, or whatever you need to to grieve what has or hasn’t been done but in your lament go to Jesus. He truly does give beauty for ashes, and joy for mourning.There’s an exchange in those words but an exchange only happens when both parties have something to give - your precious grief has to be poured out to be given away so that in turn He can pour out joy and beauty - a happy ending - the likes of which no fairy tale could dream up. Truly out of darkness can come such marvelous light. I believe this with all that’s within me. So today - let yourself grieve and grow, fall into His arms and trust In His grace. Jesus is enough. You are loved. Your best days are ahead and full of hope, laughter, joy and peace.

Honey just hold on.

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